Corporate Crap and Other Dubious Wisdom

In the middle of writing papers and getting some programming completed for work, but I couldn't resist taking the time out to tell all of you about my new Doctor from New York.

I have to explain a Hawaiian word first.  The word "puka" is used to mean a hole, a little mistake, or maybe a defect.  We've got huge pukas (potholes) in our roads, pukas on our car from the salt water, and or local government daily commits pukas just in the normal course of business (this is Hawaii folks, not Washington D.C.).

Having said that, it tickles us when people fresh off the jet get a taste of culture here.  After much nagging by a woman who shall remain nameless but never silent, I went to visit the doctor the other day.  Not having had a doctor's appoint for something like 10 years or so, of course the silent one chose a doctor for me very carefully.  Since she couldn't find an appropriate Valkyrie of enormous proportions to manhandle me into submission, or a hot tempered redhead to slap me around, she had to make-do with a young New Yorker who had only been in Hawaii for about two months.  This then, is my new doctor's story of her first day in Hawaii.

As she's explaining to me why I may have occassional numbness in my leg, because of a nerve bundle running through a small opening… a "puka" in the bone or backbone, she's really proud that she's learned the word "puka."  It seems that on her first trip home in her rental car from the airport she was pulled over by the police.  Nervous of course, and not knowing just what to expect by the police here in paradise, it got worse when the cop told her the reason he'd pulled her over.

"I wasn't speeding, was I officer?  I'm new here and maybe I missed a sign, or maybe, or maybe…"

"No ma'am.  The reason I pulled you over is that you have a puka in one of your taillights".

"Oh my God! A puka?"  Of course, never having heard the word before, she's thinking it could be a huge rat, a cockroach-kind of huge bug, or maybe an exotic reptile or bird of some kind.  Jumping out of her car, she races ahead of the policeman to the back of the car.  Then, running back and forth between the two sides, she's trying like crazy to see if the puka is still alive in there.

Finally, with I'm sure the straightest face he could muster under the circumstances, the policeman points to a small piece broken out of the taillight, "easy ma'am, it's just a small hole, but you need to get it fixed because your light isn't working."

She didn't say if she got a ticket, but I would suspect the officer probably couldn't wait to get back to his car so he could laugh in peace.  Damned if that story wasn't nearly as good as Kim and the Pineapple Tree.

Weaving through the treetops in the dark didn’t seem nearly as good an idea as it had 30 minutes ago. Sobering up tends to do that to a person.

It all started innocently enough, just a few guys getting together in the hut on a Friday night tossing back some brew and cursing the military. Nothing we hadn’t done dozens of times before since I had been “in country”. One thing led to another, and damned if I didn’t have to open my big mouth again.

“Bill, you suppose we’ll get busted again if we take the chopper up one more time before I get outta this damned place?”

“The hell with all these assholes, damnit! We go out there every damned day getting our asses shot at while they sit in their air conditioned offices smokin shit. Last punk assed officer rode with me is still pickin shraphnel outta his butt. Hahaha, dumb sumbitch thought the extra flack jackets in the seats were too uncomfortable for his candy ass.” Not one to mince words, no, not the Captain who had shared his helicopter and his hooch with me for the past several months. He never did have much use for other officers, especially 2nd Lieutenants still wet behind the ears who arrived fresh from their Mommas back in the states.

It seemed we were kindred spirits from the start. My third day at the unit I met him wandering around the cleared zone around the compound with the rest of us looking for a snake. Some rookie had gotten himself bitten, but never saw the snake, so the medics didn’t know what anti-venom to give him. Sort of reminded me of pulling a water skier behind a boat in the Everglades trolling for alligators, but what did I know. Never did find the snake and it turned out the soldier probably snagged himself on a bamboo stake. A few days of antibiotics and he was back annoying everyone again.

(more Crap…)

Update: New items added May 29.

As much fun as people have letting us show them?around our little corner of the world, you all have to know how much we love to do it. I just wish we had more time to spend with all the great friends we make along the way. Since Kim and 3T both laughingly suggested that we start giving tours, I thought I’d give all of you a chance to share in a little of the fun?things we come up with.

We’re certainly not what you’d call “experts”, either in Hawaii or its culture, but we do love it here. Watching the relaxation and joy our visitors get when they see where we live is a real kick for us.

The Beer Stein to the left I designed with Kim and Jeffee in mind, and if you visit the link (click on the picture) you’ll see some things that 3T and her Kevin inspired. I’ll have more stuff as soon as I can get them uploaded.

I hope you all enjoy them, if you don’t see something you like let me know, I can add special stuff

came across an article this morning that reminded me I hadn’t written anything about Corporate America recently.  As much as I love to rag on Corporations, I do have to admit that sometimes employees are just plain stupid.  On second thought, maybe some of them just have a career deathwish.   

In any case, as a past Manager type, here are some of my favorite reasons why employees get fired:

Claiming that you need to stay home because your kids are all home sick with the flu, when your kids live in another state… not within driving distance.

The death of the same family member… more than once.

Consistantly missing project deadlines because the computer in the bar doesn’t have an Internet connection.

When confronted with a video security tape (on equipment she herself had help set up) of one employee handing a $300 police scanner to her (drug dealer) boyfriend, her response was, “Oh, we just borrowed it for a couple of days to try it out.  We didn’t think you’d mind.”

Getting drunk at the office party and hitting on the boss’ husband/wife. While not technically a firing offense, this will NOT endere you to the boss, unless he/she has brought them to the party to get rid of them.

While gathering for a meeting several years ago, a group of us stood waiting outside the conference room until a security guard could unlock the door for us.  Finally, when the door was unlocked, we were greeted with an excellant view of another manager’s bare butt between a pair of nicely tanned legs.  Apparently their conference wasn’t completed yet.

One of my all-time favorites was the employee who called from the Bahamas because he’d had to take an emergency flight out the previous night.  It turned out this married employees “emergency” was his pregnant girfriend’s emergency divorce from her husband.

You see, although I actually do have some morals, I don’t really tend to push my own morals on other people… well, except maybe one of them.  I’m usually a pretty understanding boss, but I hate like hell when an employee blatantly lies to me.  I would certainly much rather somebody would just ask for a couple of days or hours off upfront than to make up some bullshit excuse, or see them get caught with their pants down.  That way, the employee can still get their groove on and I get to keep the illusion that I’m actually still in charge.

Oh, by the way, HR allowed the tanned legs to keep her job after she filed sexual harassment charges.  Her conferences are now enjoyed by a much larger group since her promotion.  There was talk of affixing a plaque to the conference table, but I don’t know if that ever came to anything, and we never got to review the actual security video tapes.  The last I heard, Mr. Barebutt was working in some Cafe in Alaska.