Corporate Crap and Other Dubious Wisdom

Anyone who doesn’t want to suffer through the following ranting of an old student, please pop over to Bitchitude’s site and help her out with her homework.

For those of you who haven’t read my illustrious profile… I spent a couple of decades in Corporate America. Now I’ve decided to complete my advanced degree and inflict all that hard won wisdom on the youth of America. Hey, it’s only fair they should suffer right along side the rest of us.

Talk about embarassing, wayyyy back when I was in school you went in with your little pencils and scratch paper, plenty of erasers, a ruler to draw pretty lines with, and cheat sheets penned on the inside of your shirt.

OK, so give me a break here. I’m an over 50 guy who’s decided to go out and finish up my education so I can save the world from Corporate destruction. So cut me a little slack.

I study my butt off for an Economics test I had yesterday so I’m beat down to my socks. Took a double dose of antihistamines because of a damned cold, and I’m stressed to the max.

My first midterm in only God knows how long, so I’m damned if I’m gonne screw it up.

Scene sufficiently set for disaster?

Ok, so I calmly walk in, set my three ton backpack down and start draggin out all my cool little tools… #2 pencil, protractor so I can draw pretty graphs, compass so I can draw pretty little archs, erasers, scratch paper, and the one 3X5 notecard the instructor says we can put anything we want on (may as well cheat in the open I guess) which believe me I wrote verrryyyy small to get everything on.

I look up and everyone is lookin at me like I’m nuts! What the hell? We’re takin the test on a "scantron?" What the hell is a scantron? Who knew? You can’t draw pretty little crap on a scantron?

Fine… I’m leaving the shit just where I put it. I need the security.

I wanna know just who the moron was who invented these things? Have you seen these little items of torture? I mean, gimme a break! I mean really… last time I saw anything similar the blocks were at least large enough you could write in them with a pencil the size of a small tree trunk. Hell no… the whole damned answer sheet was the size of my grocery bill for Pete’s sake!

Sure, I’m old now… I wear contacts so I get to wear these cool shades instead of nurd glasses. Normally I can actually read with them even the fine print. Here’s where the disaster comes in. Hmmm… let’s see now… antihistamines to dry out my sinus… air conditioning running full blast (this is Hawai`i)… and fine print.

Guess what folks… the cold medicine and the air conditioning sucked every last drop of moisture outta my eyes in about five minutes flat! Try putting drops in you say? Ok… eyes blurred for about five munutes and now can read for about another five…. repeat as necessary for a one hour test. Damn that sucked. Felt like I should have just marked up the sheet at random and called it quits.

Next time I’m bringing a spray bottle and a magnifyng glass.

DB

At one point or another in an employees life we run into a person in our workplace who could be defined as a "bully". This person, usually a well established member of the company, rules the company with an iron fist. Much like the playground bully, however this bully takes their craft to a whole new level.

You might be suprised to learn that a workplace bully is rarely the owner or Executive level staff member, nor do their activities normally include physical intimidation. The methods they use are much more sophisticated and much more difficult to determine.

Although the underlying motive for bullying in the workplace may be some sort of discrimination, bullies are extremely careful to avoid any possible accusations of discrimination. They have successfully practiced their craft over many years and have learned over time that getting busted for discrimination would bring a sudden halt to their activities. Since the basic underlying reason for their bullying is a need for power and control, the workplace is a perfect place to ply their trade.

More and more states are now recognizing and considering legislation to address the problem.

If you are or have experienced any of the following, you may be being bullied:
"
* you attempt the obviously impossible task of doing a new job without training or time to learn new skills but that work is never good enough for the boss

* surprise meetings are called by your boss with no results other than further humiliation

* everything your tormenter does to you is arbitrary and capricious, working a personal agenda that undermines the employer’s legitimate business interests

* others at work have been told to stop working, talking or socializing with you

* you constantly feel agitated and anxious, experiencing a sense of doom, waiting for bad things to happen

* no matter what you do, you are never left alone to do your job without interference

* people feel justified screaming or yelling at you in front of others, but you are punished if you scream back

* HR tells you that your harassment isn’t illegal, that you have to "work it out between yourselves"

* you finally, firmly confront your tormentor to stop the abusive conduct, you are accused of harassment

* you are shocked when accused of incompetence despite a history of objective excellence, typically by someone who cannot do your job

* everyone — co-workers, senior bosses, HR — agrees (in person and orally) that your tormentor is a jerk, but there is nothing they will do about it (and deny saying what they said later when asked to support you)

* your request to transfer to an open position under another boss is mysteriously denied

[Gary Namie, Ph.D., http://www.bullybusters.org/]"

For more information : http://www.bullybusters.org/

DB

For whatever reason sometimes people actually pay me for my opinion. Sometimes it’s a corporation who can’t get a straight answer out of a vendor and needs me to translate. Other times it’s people who are having other problems and for some reason think what I have to say is worth listening to. I guess they figure if I have survived for this long maybe my survival skills could be worth something.

After finishing an article this morning I had what you could call an epiphany. It was supposed to be a serious article about men and women so I won’t bore you with the details, but the subject matter actually struck me as funny afterwards. "How can a man tell when a woman is ready to get married"?

They are asking a man to answer this question? OK, fine, so after giving my thoughts in semi-coherent fashion in my article, I started a list of the things I think I "know" about women:

Little do little boys suspect, but the little red haired girl whose hair they are pulling in second grade may be the woman they wake up next to when they’re thirty. It just depends on whether they can track you down for their revenge.

Women NEVER forget a slight but somehow DO forget that nice thing you did for them ten years ago.

Calling a woman a "Bitch" on the first date does NOT get you to the second date.

Do NOT dis a woman who carries a gun

The answer to "Honey, do these pants make my ass look fat?" is NEVER yes

If a woman comments that chocolate is as good as sex, her man is in deep trouble

When a mother is complaining about Hemorrhoids, it is NOT a new video game

Women cry when they’re happy, and women cry when they’re unhappy… so a guy has a fifty-fifty chance of NOT being in trouble if she’s crying

If the Super Bowl is on set up a second TV, because she can’t stand in front of both sets when the most historical play ever is in progress

Falling asleep while she’s yelling at you in bed will NOT get you sex for the next month

One woman alone is your friend, two women talking who are friends are chatting, and three or more together is a lynch mob

If a woman can’t train YOU right, rest assured she will shortly find a man she CAN train right

Men always think we have all the answers but rarely even know the right questions, while women actually have all the answers and are just waiting for us to ask the right questions

A bird in the bush gets you thorns in your butt

There was NO mother-in-law in the Garden of Eden

When a woman says NO… you’d better take the Big Screen TV back before she gets home

What’s mine is hers, what’s hers is mine, and what’s ours is hers

Any man who ever truly thinks they know everything about a woman is either a fool or a moron. Since I’m neither I’ll close with this:

"The only thing a man can be certain that he knows about women is that we don’t really know a damned thing" and I wouldn’t really have it any other way.

DB

To coin a phrase… WTF??

I just don’t know what to expect from people anymore. Here you think you have people all figured out, and WHAM!

I expect a serious writer to write serious stuff like what REALLY happened to JFK. What do I see? A great short by Marjo Moore titled I Bet Clinton Thought of it First. On TOP of that I see and article by Andy Martello…Good Show.

So what is that all about? A serious writer with a sense of humor and a comic with a serious side?

Good work you two… just proves that a good writer can handle any subject with class.

DB