What I Know About Women
For whatever reason sometimes people actually pay me for my opinion. Sometimes it’s a corporation who can’t get a straight answer out of a vendor and needs me to translate. Other times it’s people who are having other problems and for some reason think what I have to say is worth listening to. I guess they figure if I have survived for this long maybe my survival skills could be worth something.
After finishing an article this morning I had what you could call an epiphany. It was supposed to be a serious article about men and women so I won’t bore you with the details, but the subject matter actually struck me as funny afterwards. "How can a man tell when a woman is ready to get married"?
They are asking a man to answer this question? OK, fine, so after giving my thoughts in semi-coherent fashion in my article, I started a list of the things I think I "know" about women:
Little do little boys suspect, but the little red haired girl whose hair they are pulling in second grade may be the woman they wake up next to when they’re thirty. It just depends on whether they can track you down for their revenge.
Women NEVER forget a slight but somehow DO forget that nice thing you did for them ten years ago.
Calling a woman a "Bitch" on the first date does NOT get you to the second date.
Do NOT dis a woman who carries a gun
The answer to "Honey, do these pants make my ass look fat?" is NEVER yes
If a woman comments that chocolate is as good as sex, her man is in deep trouble
When a mother is complaining about Hemorrhoids, it is NOT a new video game
Women cry when they’re happy, and women cry when they’re unhappy… so a guy has a fifty-fifty chance of NOT being in trouble if she’s crying
If the Super Bowl is on set up a second TV, because she can’t stand in front of both sets when the most historical play ever is in progress
Falling asleep while she’s yelling at you in bed will NOT get you sex for the next month
One woman alone is your friend, two women talking who are friends are chatting, and three or more together is a lynch mob
If a woman can’t train YOU right, rest assured she will shortly find a man she CAN train right
Men always think we have all the answers but rarely even know the right questions, while women actually have all the answers and are just waiting for us to ask the right questions
A bird in the bush gets you thorns in your butt
There was NO mother-in-law in the Garden of Eden
When a woman says NO… you’d better take the Big Screen TV back before she gets home
What’s mine is hers, what’s hers is mine, and what’s ours is hers
Any man who ever truly thinks they know everything about a woman is either a fool or a moron. Since I’m neither I’ll close with this:
"The only thing a man can be certain that he knows about women is that we don’t really know a damned thing" and I wouldn’t really have it any other way.
DB