[Yes…. I know… two of you have already seen this. I had some email recently saying they couldn’t find it so I dug it back up again. DB] Why, you ask, would anyone want to do that? Well obviously no one would, but by their own actions many employers do it every day.
This over the years has become one of my favorite Bitches. How the hell supposed intelligent and well educated HR and/or Management types can continue to make the same stupid mistakes is simply beyond me. You and I have to deal with the results, or become the victim of their particular brand of idiocy.
I’ve decided to write a manual for all the brain dead employers out there so they won’t have to waste anyone’s time hiring good employees that they’ll just screw up anyway. Sure, a few potentially good employees will slip through the cracks, but never fear, if you follow the following steps it will guarantee that anyone you hire will eventually be a bad employee. It’s what’s called in the corporate world a win - win situation.
The Hiring Process
1. Place an ad in your favorite media of choice. The job listing must be carefully worded, because you really don’t want anyone who actually meets the requirements to apply for the job. So make sure you make the listing ambiguous. Don’t worry; you’ll get plenty of people to torture anyway since the unemployment situation in most places is pretty bad.
2. When people show up for an interview, be sure you make them wait for at least 20 minutes past their appointment before you’ll see them. If you give them a long application to fill out you can get away with another ten minutes or so. Just be sure that the application requires them to fill out every bit of information that’s already on their resume, that really ticks people off.
People who are desperate for a job because they’re starving to death will wait, people who recognize that their time is as valuable as yours will either get pissed and leave, or get pissed and stay. Either way, this will narrow down the number of possible good employees you get because the ones who stay will not forget your rudeness and lack of consideration.
3. During the interview, mix just enough truth with your questions and answers to add a little credibility. You might want to practice this in front of the mirror a few times to get it just right. Whatever you do though never, but never give a straight answer. It helps if you’ve watched a political debate recently.
Whatever they say, swear that it’s the best possible thing you’ve heard all frickin day.
Pretend that you had nothing whatever to do for the next hour but impress whoever the poor bastard is sitting in front of you. That always gets em. The secretary you were planning on banging on your desk, or that cute new boy in the mailroom will just have to wait until you’re finished screwing this one first.
4. At the close of the interview, smile, shake their hand, walk them to the door, whatever the situation warrants. Sometimes a conspiratorial wink behind your hand helps. You need to be certain this fish stays on the hook until you get tired of playing him/her.
It really doesn’t matter at this point whether the person is qualified, could do the job, or is just some desperate person off the street who hasn’t eaten for a week. Tell them you have a few more interviews to do and will be making a decision in the next week.
5. Repeat 2 through 4 whenever you’re bored or just need a really good laugh. Make sure you screw with enough people however because that’s important in following steps.
6. With any luck at least a week has passed since your first interview. Less than that and you would appear to give a damn about what you told them. Start calling them at random, that way you won’t have to remember who is who since you really don’t give a damn anyway.
This part of the game can get pretty good if you play it right. Be creative and indulge yourself when you "apologize" for not contacting them sooner. "The boss was on vacation", "I had a baby", and the all time great "my dog had a hysterectomy" are some of my favorites.
7. By this time at least a few of the suckers will have either gotten jobs with some other crappy company who has a more skilled interviewer than you, or were smart enough to figure out what you were trying to pull off. To Hell with em, it’s not like you wanted to hire anyone smarter than you anyway.
You’re now down to a chosen few. If you’re really good five or more, the average is about three. Not that there aren’t plenty of people to choose from, but this is a competition for bad employees after all and the pool is limited.
If you’ve managed to keep at least three on the hook, set up a second interview. Not a big deal, except if you feel like sharing you can even bring a second person like your boss or another person into the act. Once again, just repeat steps 2 through 4 until you run out of people. If you really want to indulge yourself you can even start all over again with new people added.
8. You’ve finally narrowed it down to one person, or everyone in your office is getting tired of doing all your work while you have all the fun. Sitting in front of you is either a real loser because they haven’t managed to escape your slimy clutches, or some poor bastard who’s having some really bad luck finding a legitimate job.
9. Now’s the time for more creativity and fun. You can really screw with peoples’ heads if you think up some nonsensical pre-employment tasks they have to complete. Physicals and piss tests are childs play, a real pro will push the law to the limits with tests that will have little if anything to do with the job they applied for. A speed-typing test that is required to evaluate "future training requirements" for a trucker is an example.
10. The beauty of this is that you can repeat it as often as necessary, but if the boss is actually expecting you to get some real work done it’s probably time to bring this section to an end and hire the unlucky loser. Don’t worry though because if you’ve done your job up to this point the new employee will provide you with months, even years of future amusement.
Oh, by the way, making your new employee sit through a week or so of really boring orientation information that has nothing whatever to do with their job is a nice touch. It puts a bad taste in their mouths that doesn’t soon go away and gives you time to think about the next steps you can take to keep the momentum going.
Next…. How to make sure ALL your Employees STAY Screwed up
Publication: MBC (www and/or print)
Publication Date: 04/28/2004
WWW.BFPMedia.com
Apparently we’re not very good penguin sitters because throughout the evening the Penguini’s continued to make little nuisances of themselves popping up in all sorts of interesting places.
